I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of
a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with
his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass
and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams
come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back
my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have
to let nudity "happen."
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That
way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
Folks still remember the day ol' Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty
soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it
bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody
out.
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy
until some jerk says something stupid to me.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain
on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out.
Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when
you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep
people from following too close.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him,
then, after you camped at night, you could eat him.
How about it, science?
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of
stereo system works best in hell?"
I can still recall old Mr. Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles
to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd
yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the
burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing
into a filthy Texaco latrine.
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling,
he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk infront of our house. And I thought,
I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't make
out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
What
is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want
to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and
then lie down and go to sleep.
